The Tree, The Storm, and The Stakes

There is a wonderful analogy spoken of in Christian circles. It is one that helps the believer to understand why a loving God would allow trials into the lives of those He adores. I speak of the analogy of the tree and the storm. The illustration basically boils down to this, in order for trees to be strong, they need deep roots. In order to have deep roots, they need to withstand storms. It is the storm that encourages the tree to plant firm roots so as to not topple over. In contrast, trees with shallow roots will easily fall at the slightest squall.

This morning, on the drive to my 16 year old's high school, I was able to remind him about the purpose of storms in our lives. This past year we have been introduced to facets of our son's life that have been overshadowed throughout the 11 years since his and his sister's adoption. The details of these facets will, I am sure, make the topic of a future blog post. For now, understand that our son has endured far more storms than the Hubster and I were aware of. These disturbances, that we as parents have had no control of, have been brewing in my son's mind for the entirety of his life with us. Often, he can no longer hold back the pressure of life so he finds opportunity to release his anger, hurt and frustration in the place he feels safest, our home. Last night we, as a family, experienced one of those episodes.

This morning, with the burden relieved, my son was in a place where he could receive some maternal wisdom. I explained that he has had an abundance of storms in his life and that his Dad, the Hubster, and I know he will be able to overcome them. While overcoming these trials, his roots will grow so deep that, we know, he will not be moved nor shaken. He will be stronger than anyone I know. But it is in the overcoming that he will be made stronger, not in the storm itself.

At that moment, I had an epiphany and began to speak to myself as well. You see, when we plant young trees, we use posts or stakes to support them until their roots are mature. Usually, there are two stakes. The responsibility of the stakes are to help the tree not to need them anymore. There the stakes stand, one on each side of the young tree, both gently but firmly holding on to this new life. It is a fine balance, the responsibility of a stake, hold on too tight and the tree can be choked, it could snap when confronted with resistance, or the tree could grow and envelop the stake, never to be free and independent. Yet, take to weak of a grasp and that tree is at the whim of it's environment.


I continued down the road of the responsibility of the stake. You see, the thing about stakes is, they don't leave when the storms come, They withstand the storm with the tree to help it through the winds it would not overcome on it's own. It is during the storm that the stakes' work is most difficult and most important. The stake needs to be planted firmly. The stake needs to be sure of it's job. The stake needs to support yet allow the environment to affect the tree so the roots may grow deep. The stake does this in hopes that the tree will no longer rely on it and will flourish on its own.

As parents, we stand along side our children. We try to find that balance of strength and flexibility. As parents we weather all that our child endures and hopefully help our young ones to learn for themselves. As parents we set our goals to, one day, watch our child flourish, on his own, independent of us.

Tailor Made

All of the AMAZING photos are by the Beautiful Brooke of Brooke Photography

I don't know about you but the most difficult parenting skill to learn for me is consistency.  I am not necessarily aiming to make everything fair or even for each child, nor do I always respond to an action with the same reaction.  What I do mean is consistently providing for each child what he or she needs at the time.  That could range from standing outside, in 32 degree weather, making sure those laps being run up and down the street are finished appropriately, to stopping cooking dinner for a family of eight, and  kneeling down to explain for the 20th time that she will be eating with in the hour, so a snack is not a wise choice right now.  Meeting a child where they are at and personalizing our parenting according to the specific situation and need is way easier said than done.

As I am sure you have figured out by now, the Hubster and I have had a wide array of parenting experiences.  We have children who would oppose correction with every fiber of their beings, children who quake in their shoes when a voice is raised slightly, and quite a variety in between.  Within our parental hearts and minds, being consistent is often confronted with guilt, impatience, as well as exhaustion.  Too often, I try to avoid the effort it takes to do the job right the first time, only to pay for it in the end.  (Ironically, I have had that talk with quite a few of my kiddos, some more recently and frequently than others) So far, five out of my six kids have brought me to tears because of my fatigue due to the repetition and tenaciousness of a situation with them.  The reluctance to follow through with consequences such as returning gifts or canceling birthday parties hinders many opportunities to train our children.   I can't count how many times I have witnessed an infraction that I "didn't have the time" to deal with, only to be presented, sooner than later, with another opportunity to follow through and sharpen my parenting skills.  This time though, I have to take on the previous groundwork my lack of effort had inadvertently laid.  Still, it is the Hubster's and my job to do what we signed up for, raise responsible, respectful, and reachable children.

Schulze Girls

So, how do we do it?  To be honest, I am not fully sure myself.  I do know we depend a lot upon God's wisdom, hoping we hear His Spirit speaking to our hearts. Our parenting consists a lot of fixing our mistakes and admitting we were misguided in our child rearing blunders.  Our kids learn about humility, how to handle mistakes as well as apologies.  Although, in certain situations, we need to stick to our guns no matter what.  At the tender age of five we could have sworn that our first born child was on the road to law school. We often could be found succumbing to his logic, only to shake ourselves and remind us and him just who the parent was.  Other children of ours are quite convincing with their untruths (OK, lies).  Our solution was to present the consequence to all six siblings in hopes the true offender would fess up.  One child in particular would stand her ground while her brothers and sisters joined her in the discipline du jour.  Although, Usually, the peer pressure helps the guilty party to cave. Occasionally, we have had to switch gears and confront our child with the blind faith that what our parental instincts were telling us was true.  

 Many times, the Hubster and I are not on the same exact page in a certain discipline matter, that is when we use the "fall back" method.  We usually move to neutral ground (our bedroom) and discuss our game plan.  After some agreeing and conceding has been accomplished we move forward in what ever plan has been generated.  We actually put this tactic into practice just a few hours ago.  I loved that we listened to one another, called the child into our headquarters, listened to him, dismissed him, constructed our plan, called said child to return, and laid the prospective program out for him.  No chaotic emotions at all.

One of my favorite tools is the "self created discipline".  One child, in particular had this "making things bigger thing" mastered.  For instance, trying to avert a massive breakdown, I instructed my son to go to his room, calm down, and then he could return to the rest of us.  As he STOMPED to his room he was easily heard shouting, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED WITHOUT DINNER!"  To which I stated, "Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that. What a great idea!!! OK, when you are in your room put your jammies on.  You will be going to bed soon after."  Another of my children tried this tactic and realized, rather quickly, it wasn't for her.

Schulze Boys

The old, "Peanut butter sandwich and water" treatment works for three of our kids, but not for the other three.  I don't cook for people who are disrespectful to me so, someone else makes the necessary meal.  For half of my kids missing out on the regular meal is detrimental.  My oldest daughter would prefer that fare more often than not.  Her big brother is allergic, and her youngest sister could care less. 

Singing, hugs, hands on noses, foreheads on walls, holding hands, happy hats, sitting in on classes, random dancing, chores, writing, exercise, repetition, missing out, are all items we use to encourage our children to do the right thing.  

Preventative maintenance, though, tends to help all of the above be fewer and farther between.  Taking the time to listen to, snuggle with, and attend to my child minimizes his or her demand upon me and/or the Hubster.  Nightly dinners around our table are imperative.  We catch up on each other's days, reminisce, plan and bond.  Just by eating meals together we express how important our kids' thoughts and ideas are to us.  The kiddos' individuality blossoms around the table.  I don't know of a better place to get to know your family let alone anyone else.


With all of our strengths and weaknesses, successes and mistakes, similarities and differences, it just goes to show parenting is not a "one size fits all" venture. Good parenting needs to be "tailor made".

Thankfulness

Photo by the amazing Brooke Photography

Here we go, it's November and this Mom's hustling holiday season is in full swing.  Our annual family photo session (with Brooke Photography of course) was amongst a last minute trip to California for a visit with Grandma, my brother-in-law's surprise 50th, Emily's 16th (complete with the Winter Jam concert accompanied by some of her good friends), a school potluck x 4 classrooms (OK it was October 31st but close enough), haircuts x 8 (lovin' Ms. Hannah!), dentist visit x 2 (I missed and had to reschedule twice, thank you Dr. Bobby!) a Jr. High Thanksgiving potluck, various stays at the 7th grade, a last minute trip to Phoenix toting girls for a coxswain (the person that tells the rowers what to do and where to go) clinic, designing the 2013 Schulze Family Christmas card and having it printed (at Costco) before the coupon ran out that night.  With all of this busyness, I have not had nor taken the time to truly contemplate what I am thankful for. I have to admit the rebel in me tends to steer clear of the daily Facebook thing.  I do enjoy reading the gratitude of my friends and family though.

Our BIG Day 5.7.94

With Thanksgiving literally two days away, it is probably time to magnify that grateful mindset of mine.  I could come up with lists upon lists of who and what all I appreciate in my life but time is short and I have one specific item, event, condition that I am truly blessed by, my marriage.  You see, as I have noted in a previous post, the Hubster and I are on the verge of 20 years of matrimony.  It isn't, though, the longevity of our relationship that impresses me.  I can't say this "China Anniversary" even represents "the beautiful, elegant and delicate(ness) of our love for one another over the past 20 years."  Certainly the two decades have not been filled with bliss, quite the contrary has been the rule during some seasons of our union.

What I am thankful for is the road God walked us down, the mountains we traversed, the valleys we rested in.  I am thankful for the lessons taught and learned, the battles fought and won, the fears experienced and overcome.  I am thankful for the moments we yelled at each other and made it through.  I am thankful for the countless tears shed that did not drown us.  I am thankful for the discord, the dishonesty, and the disrespect we both took part in that never disrupted the commitment we have to one another. Have we liked each other constantly throughout our relationship? No. Have we known God had a purpose for each hardship we were to experience? Yes.  Are we better off having engaged the fire together?  Do I really have to answer this?  Yes and yes.  

(cropped from) Brooke Photography again!

Each trial has not only strengthened our marriage but has also laid a foundation for our children to build their future relationships upon.  They have witnessed their parents go through the ugly to get to the beautiful. They have seen us lean upon our Lord as well as praise Him when times are difficult.  They have experienced the results of a husband and wife clinging to promises made many years prior.  They know that trust can be regained and that love prevails.  

Fun times together.

During one low point I was told deep within my soul that if I gave up on the Hubster he would never be the man God has intended him to be and he would never accomplish the tasks God has for him.  Once I had truly done that, we were able to wade through his "stuff" as well as get some sort of control over it.  What initially took me by surprise was, with his "stuff" hemmed in, my "stuff" became more visible.  As uncomfortable as it was, I was able to see my faults and weaknesses.  Then, together, we were and have been able to grow through mistakes I have made. I thank my Lord that Kevin, the  Hubster, has never, not once, given up on me.  The rewards received due to a marriage forged by trials and strengthened by God are the best gifts ever!

We LOVE Brooke Photography

What have I learned?  Other than the Hubster will stick with me through thick and thin, I have learned that I don't need to be in control.  I have learned that I can trust his decisions, even if I think he is 100% wrong at the time.  I have learned that I am wrong more often than I have previously realized.  I have learned  I can follow his lead just as God desires me to.  I have learned the Hubster wants to listen to me and take my opinions into consideration. I have learned that the he will do anything in his power to protect his family.  I have learned that no matter how scary life seems to be, as long as we are with each other and focused on the Lord, we can endure anything.  

I encourage my readers, with a few exceptions, to not give up on the spouse God has given you.  Looking at our challenges from a worldly standpoint, we would have had a strong case to end our union. Thankfully, Kevin and I believe we have a responsibility to honor the vows we have taken. The words we recited ending in "Til death do us part." are not misleading.  They were not conditionally based.  They are a reminder that things will get tough and together we can endure anything that God allows into our lives.

A peek at our family photo session with, who else but Brooke Photography